Not What You Expect
by Hanzao
Summary: AU. New Dark Warlords threaten the Ronins. What mad scheme is Talpa up to now? Rated for safety.


Summary: This story is set in an alternate universe where there are four totally different Dark Warlords who are just a little different from what was intended… (Note: In this universe, Rowen is missing because Ryo got pissed and fed him to White Blaze… who subsequently choked on the carcass and therefore doesn't not appear in the story, either. The fact that my wife had a crush on Rowen has no effect on the development of this AU, of course. Right…)

"I just don't understand it," says Ryo as he leans back in his chair. "Why would those four guys just stand there and laugh at us?"

"Oh man, Ryo, are you still going off about that?" Kento shakes his head and then stuffs his last hamburger into his mouth. In seconds, he swallows it whole. "Maybe they're just trying to get to us, y'know?"

Ryo shrugs and takes a few puffs off of his new cigar.

"Yeah, Ryo, you know how the Dynasty is," Sage agrees with Kento. As the smoke from Ryo's cigar gets near him, he wrinkles his face up in disgust. "Oh, c'mon! Do you really have to do that? Why did you start smoking cigars all of a sudden? Mia will get mad if you stink up her house!"

"Mia said she likes it when someone smokes a cigar because her grandfather used to do it and it makes her feel more safe when she smells the smoke," Ryo explains, a small smile creeping up one side of his mouth as he whispers the next bit to Sage. "She also thinks it's sexy."

"Really?" Sage's eyes open wide. "Hmmm…"

"I really don't see what the big deal is," says Sai. "We've run across hundreds of those Dynasty goons before. They all seem strange to me, honestly."

"I don't know, they just seem different somehow… just not right," Ryo's eyes narrow. "I'm not sure what to make of it. I get an awful bad feeling about this, dudes."

"Well, whoever they are, we'll beat 'em down. But first, I'm starving." Kento reaches over to Sai's plate and steals his fries.

All of a sudden lightning strikes and the outer wall of the mansion explodes. The smoke and debris is cleared from the area with a huge gust of wind that also knocks the Ronin Warriors out of their seats.

"MWAHAHAHAHA! Prepare for your doom, Ronin Rodents! MWAHAHA!"

The Ronins are not sure who the four people who just ruined their house are, but they are pretty sure that they aren't friendly. They reflexively switch into their sub-armors and stand to face their foes.

"Prepare for your doom, Ronin Rodents! HAHA!"

"You already said that!" Ryo spits out angrily. "Who are you, anyway?"

"We're the Dark Warlords, the instruments of your destruction, Ryo of the Wildfire! MWAHAHAHA! As for me, I'm the Dark Warlord of Aggravation!"

"Dark Warlord of _what?_" Ryo shakes his head as if trying to get something out of his ears.

"You heard me, Ronin Rodent! I will laugh at you as many times as I possibly can throughout this episode! MWAHAHAHAHA!"

Ryo's fiery temper blazes out of control and before his friends can stop him he leaps toward his adversary in attack.

"Not so fast, Ronin Rodent! I'm not done insulting you!" Before Ryo can slam this guy to the ground, the Dark Warlord of Aggravation jumps high into the air and pulls out his weapon… a giant megaphone. "**BITE MY REAR**!"

The shockwave of the insult blasts Ryo and knocks him backward onto the floor with a heavy thud.

"Take that!" Sai jumps forward with a flying kick to catch the warlord as he comes down.

With the Warlord of Aggravation sent flying across the room, a new Dark Warlord steps forward to confront Sai.

"Sai of the Torrent!" The warlord cries out. "You enjoy the water, do you not?"

"What kind of question is that?" Sai asks, raising his fists in preparation.

"The real question is this," riddles the odd Warlord, "what is the common term for hydrophobia found in dogs?"

Sai's guard loosens as he thinks about it.

"Rabies?"

"Correct!"

A moment passes.

"So what does that have to do with anything?" Sai cries out in exasperation.

"Well, that's me! I'm the Dark Warlord of Rabies! I wear the Rabid Dog armor!"

"And you're proud of this?" Sai eyes him curiously.

"Well, no, not really when it comes down to it," The Dark Warlord of Rabies' shoulders slump. "But at least now you'll understand… when I do this! **FOAM MOUTH BITE**!"

Before Sai can pull his guard back up, the warlord lunges forward and bites him on the wrist. Sai is able to beat the man off with his other fist, but by then the damage has been done. Convulsing in agony, Sai falls to the floor, foaming at the mouth.

"Sai!" Sage rushes forward to help his friend, but Sai has already passed out. "Okay, who's next?"

"That would be me, Sage of Halo!" A tall man steps forward, looking too thin for his large Warlord's armor.

"Come get some," Sage raises his fists.

"Sorry, pal, I don't swing that way," The Warlord shakes his head. "But I do have something for you."

"Whatever you've got, I've probably already had," Sage's eyes narrow, "they have medications for everything."

"Maybe so, but can you live with yourself after dealing with… the Dark Warlord of Erectile Dysfunction!" The warlord pulls out a large photograph and thrusts it into Sage's face in attack. "**CASE OF DYSFUNCTION**!"

"Oh man," Sage pushes the picture out of his face in disgust. "Is that you?"

"Yeah, after the surgery," the Warlord grins menacingly.

"Well, okay, that was sick," Sage shakes his head, "but it didn't do anything to me. Are you going to fight me or what?"

"I don't have to, Sage of Halo," the Warlord sneers as he walks backward into the darkness. "The damage has already been done…"

"Hey, what do you mean?" Sage rushes after him, but the Warlord has completely disappeared. "I don't feel anything. I'm fine. Yeah… I'm just the same."

Kento, seeing the madness surrounding him, has already summoned the full power of his Armor of Hardrock.

"Ahh, the only Ronin prepared to truly fight," snickers a whiny voice to the left of Kento.

Turning, Kento is set upon by the strangest sight he has ever seen. The Warlord before him, while wearing some measure of armor, is mostly garbed in odd ribbons in pastel and fluorescent colors. The long blond hair of the Warlord spills out from his helmet and with the ribbons, flies backward as if the Warlord were constantly walking against the wind.

"Excuse me?" Kento can't believe his eyes. "Did I just walk in on something? Are you one of Sage's friends from the club? Do I need to leave?"

"What, leave and miss all the fun? Oh, that's right, you haven't heard of me yet, have you?" The Warlord smirks. "I'm the Dark Warlord of Pop Music! Are you ready for the show? Because if so… **BYE BYE BYE**!"

Suddenly, fireworks and a light show erupt from behind the Warlord and strike Kento, filling his ears with the sounds of various boy bands and young female soloists.

"Um, can you stop that?" Kento sticks a finger in his ear. "I thought the other guy was Aggravation."

The Dark Warlord of Pop Music is taken by surprise.

"I don't understand, why you aren't on the ground, crying out in agony?" the warlord asks. "Aren't you Kento of Hard Rock? I figured you wouldn't like this music?"

"Hey, buddy, its Hardrock, not Hard Rock!" Seeing the look on the Warlord's face, Kento starts stamping the ground with his boot. "Hardrock! As in diamond, as in stone, as in the GROUND!"

"Oh, silly me," The Warlord of Pop Music laughs nervously. "Um, I think I'll go now."

"You sure will," Kento smiles. "**IRON ROCK CRUSHER**!"

The force of Kento's attack blasts the Dark Warlords and knocks them back through the wall from which the came.

"This is not over, Ronin Rodents! We will meet again, MWAHAHAHA!"

With that, the Dark Warlords escape the wrath of the Ronin Warriors.

An hour later, Mia returns from the store to find Ryo, Kento, and Sage cleaning up while Sai lies on the sofa with a wet rag over his head.

"Oh my, what happened?" Mia sets the bags of groceries down on a table. "Was it the Dynasty again?"

"Yeah, sorry Mia," Ryo scratches the back of his head. "We had some unexpected house guests."

"And boy were they weird," Kento laughs. "Oh, hey guys! Mia brought food! I'm starving!"

Mia has to jump out of the way to keep from being knocked over by Kento as he lunges for the groceries.

"Oh, thanks Mia, fighting the evil Dynasty sure makes Kento work up an appetite," Ryo laughs.

"Yeah, I'll say!" Kento tries to talk between mouthfuls.

"Come on, buddy, maybe we should cook some of this stuff first, what do you say?" Ryo takes the bags of groceries from Kento with a slightly disgusted look on his face.

"Aw, if we have to," Kento gloomily follows Ryo into the kitchen.

"What happened to Sai?" Mia starts to walks over to look at Sai's sickly form.

"He got a little sick, but he does that from time to time," Sage says, puffing away at one of Ryo's cigars. "Lack of constitution, y'know? Unfortunately, not everyone can go quite the distance that others can…"

"Oh, is it you who's been smoking those cigars lately?" Mia walks over to Sage. "You know, there's just something about a man with a cigar."

Sage's heart leaps in excitement.

"Well, you know I could smoke this upstairs," Sage winks at her.

"Sure," Mia replies with a wink of her own.

The next morning, Ryo enters the kitchen looking for the breakfast that he could smell cooking. Apparently, Sai had recovered because he was cooking the eggs and bacon. Kento was already scarfing down his fifth plate of food, and Sage was sitting quietly at this corner of the table.

"Good morning, Sage," Ryo says through a yawn.

"Hi." Sage responds gloomily.

"What's wrong, buddy?" Ryo leans over the table to whisper to Sage. "I hear Mia let you upstairs last night."

Sage nods.

"Way to go, dude!" Ryo punches Sage in the shoulder. "You finally did it! So, how did it go?"

Sage is quiet for a while. Then all of a sudden, his eyes light up and he turns to Ryo with a grin.

"Oh buddy, you couldn't imagine it," Sage says with a huge smile on his face.

Suddenly Mia enters the kitchen and says hello to everyone. She then walks over to Sage, pats him on the shoulder, and then leans over to speak softly to him.

"Its okay, Sage," Mia says with a slightly disappointed tone in her otherwise cheerful voice. "I hear it happens to a lot of guys…"

Sage's face falls into the table.

Ryo looks from Mia to Sage, and then back to Mia with a large grin of his own.

"The Dark Warlord of…" Ryo is stopped by a gesture from Mia to be quiet. "Oh, Sage, buddy… HAHAHAHA!"

"He's powerful, Ryo!" Sage yells as he jumps out of his chair and runs out of the kitchen, red-faced.

"To what lengths will Talpa go to next?" Ryo asks Mia, trying hard to contain his laughter.

"Oh, what am I going to do with you boys?" Mia laughs.


End file.
